Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
