i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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