final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
