He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
