she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
