Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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