:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
