did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize