i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
