When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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