Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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