Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize