12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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