dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
