She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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