just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
