Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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