I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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