I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
