And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
