She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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