Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize