I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize