I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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