Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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