I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
