I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
