I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
