Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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