he wants to bone in the snuggie
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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