I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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