I just threw up on my dentist
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
It's just like the Real World with babies
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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