I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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