There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
