Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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