ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
