Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We're not piercing ourselves today.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
