I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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