You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
