she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
