I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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