Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
