Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's official drugs can't kill me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's not a walk of shame if you run
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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