It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
