my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize