I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
