i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
