I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
