Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
