Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
