Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
