I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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