What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
