I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Don't tell me you're on acid again
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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