I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize